The Art of Attachment – things you don’t want to know.

You often hear that attachment is the root of all our problems. Learning to detach in a healthy way takes practice and is a learnt skill.  Many people do this in an unhealthy way and often mistake disassociating and blocking for detachment.

All this creates is a mentality of denial, blocks and hiding the problem so there becomes ‘no problem’ to the person. If you don’t already know when you have done this, most of us have experienced this in others where you can see the problem being denied and the other person just can’t see it or refuses to see it. 

How familiar are the statements ‘well this is me’, ‘I can’t change’ or if my change means ‘x’ then I don’t want it’.

We have all heard people justify why they’ve done this and as a Mindset Coach and Medium, all I hear is: excuse, belief system wall, challenge, comfort zone violation and oops!! occasionally a three sixty sprint back to where they came from where it was warm and cozy sitting in their ‘stuff’.

Relationships are a major part of our growth. Everyone of us is in a relationship of some sort. Surprisingly people do not always consider family and friends as sources of relationship growth and quite often only look at romantic relationship in this way.

Applying the principal that how you operate in one relationship is how you will operate in all relationships is a good starting point.

So how do you balance healthy attachment / detachment?

1. You cannot lose what you don’t have. 
No one owns anyone. We are born alone and will leave this plane alone. The journey is about who we meet along the way and what we learn. Everyone is a teacher.

2. No one can guarantee anything with anyone. 
The myth of ‘forever’ is a societal and often a cultural belief. When a relationship ends tragedy strikes and this can be a painful process. Learn to be in the present with all people you are connected to. 

3. Everything is temporary. 
Nothing is permanent. Even life. One day it will all be gone. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes in a flash. Focussing on what you have had or could have leads to missing out on everything happening in the now and present. That classic statement ‘if this were my last moment what would I do’ could in fact be true. 

4. To trust more and to be open. 
How many really do this? Fear holds everyone back and it takes courageous action to really overcome this one. Receive the incredible gift of a person in your life. Not just romantically but in whatever shape or form it happens.

5. Give without the expectation of receiving. 
Receive without the expectation of giving. That’s unconditional. We have grown up in a society where we feel the need to be of service, a martyr or so duty bound to family, culture or religion that we have forgotten what it is like to be an individual.

6. Be vulnerable. 
Vulnerability isn’t a weakness neither is showing and acknowledging emotions. We have a right to feel anything we want to. We  are quite often told how we should feel or there is an expectation of how we should respond in situations. Our reaction causes the other person to respond ie there’s an emotional charge or a button has been pushed.  What does this cause? A cycle of back peddling, denying your feelings and retreating to appease the person being challenged.

A bit of a game I guess. However, reactions are still interactions between people in relationships. The fact that they are viewed as negative or an argument is the problem not the feeling being expressed.

7. Be fully present to yourself and your own power. 
That’s the beauty of children. They are fearless up to a point that is. Give with the fullness of your heart like a child that has no fear.

8. Accept that people will come and go.
Everything in life is a cycle. If something comes into your life, know at some point it will leave in some form. This is part of growth and evolution.

9. Pain is only temporary.
It’s not forever. When you’re in it remember this one, it will help bring you back into the present. Whatever it is that is causing you pain at whatever level, look beyond the pain and ask why has it shown up in your life?

10. Apply wisdom not logic.
Be wise enough to understand that everything is in the context of a bigger picture that hasn’t emerged for you yet. When you trust that and hold it as your vision, your perspective changes. 

Of course it’s human to expect.
And with that comes hurt and disappointment
Now smile.
Pick yourself up.
And no matter what happens don’t ever stop trusting.
And most of all…. Have hope and faith. Without that there is nothing.


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